You picked him up at the shelter a few weeks ago, and you already love him. His breed communicate not with annoying barking, but by emitting controlled radio waves from the center of their brains. Handheld radios sometimes pickup their communications, which sound vaguely like French. Pet him?\n[[Pet]]\n[[Look around]] some more.

Oh, you remember. You came to find a place to plant your tomatoes. People usually don't walk out here, but you thought you'd walk closer to the woods to plant them, just out of sight.\n\nYou see two good places to put the tomatoes, one is closer to you.\n[[Walk to the closer one|groundhog time]]\n[[Walk to the farther one|groundhog time]]

Amphibious salmon, of course. Look, there's one now running on its hind legs, flopping its fins and front feet about very eratically.\n\n[[Catch the fish]]\n[[Look around]]

Yeah, he was rolling around in the mud earlier today anyway, god knows what he picked up. Possibly robot fleas.\n[[Look around]]

Which head?\n[[left]]\n[[right]]\n

It's an easy chase. You jump on the ground salmon and snap its neck, as your friends long ago taught you to do. You're about to eat its tasty-looking head, when you hear a loud commanding voice: "Hey, what are you doing with that?"\n[[Drop the salmon and run]]\n[[take the salmon and run]]\n[[stay and talk to the owner of the voice]]

You fart embarassingly as you get out of your chair. Your life is ruined. Goodbye.\n\n[[Goodbye? |REAL END]]

You apply moderate pressure to the top of his right head, and shake your hand around a little. He makes no sound in response, but he does look up a little, so maybe he enjoys it.\nOr not.\n\n[[Look around]]

Out on the field with blue [[skies]] as far as the eye can see, far from the [[town]], with nobody but [[you]], your [[shovel]] and your trusty two-headed dog, [[Rover]].

After a few hours of running, you come to the town. Although you were prepared for it, the fishy smell still overwhelms your nostrils. Some people never leave the town, so they don't notice the smell.\n\nSome people give you a strange look. \n\nYou think you may still be followed by the angry voice, but you're not sure. It would probably be a good idea to hide anyway.\n\n[[Go to your father's shop]]\n[[Dig a hole]] with your [[penis]] in hopes of finding a secret tunnel

Snake crocheting. Hardy needles are required.\n\n[[TOTALLY UNRELATED TANGENT|dream]]

A Fun Day

You woke up a few hours ago. You flex your tail a little, it was feeling sore for some reason. \n\n[[Look around]]

You drop the salmon and run like heck to avoid that voice- \nbut you suddenly fall into an underground pit that was obscured by grass.

A yellow flarf flies overhead. It makes a circle that spirals upward like a spring, then, with a burst of speed, departs from view.

A [[mushroom man]] comes panting in your direction. He doesn't look that strong. "Oh, Danny!" he cries, looking at the fish in your hands. He looks at you. "We were going to have a [[child]] together!" \n\n[["I'm sorry, how can I make it up for you?"|angry mushroom]]\n[[*Punch the mushroom man in the face and run off clutching your prize meal. Maybe he'll wake up with some sense.*|punch]]

Da

Okay, this is officially the end of this thing. I mean it. Stop masturbating, put your genitals into your underwear, and get off the roof, or I'm going to call the suicide hotline.\n\n[[Do as the mysterious narrator says|FART]]\n[[Fuck him, jump off anyway. This IF needs to end with a bang, and the narrator clearly is not capable of providing that|REAL END]]

The average size leg for a human. Though not human in the sense of an early 21st century human. That was a long time ago, before the

[[They have mushrooms growing all over their bodies. Also, they usually walk around naked. ew. |stay and talk to the owner of the voice]]

He's been with you for about a month. You love him already. His breed doesn't bark, they emit ultrasonic signals and imperceptible smells to communinicate. No annoying noises are a plus.

You take the salmon and run as fast as your [[5-foot tall legs]] can allow. You don't know where you should run, though. Run to the town or deeper into the forest?\n\n[[Town]]\n[[Forest]]

It seems like everyone you know either catches the fish or cooks them. Your great-grandfather fished them, your grandfather cooked them, and your father makes charming knick-knacks out of [[ground salmon]].

[[It's not unheard of for mushroom men and ground salmon to have children, but this guy just seems delusional. The ground salmon doesn't even look interested in him. |stay and talk to the owner of the voice]]

You walk to the closer one, but a mutant groundhog kills you.\n\nDarkness engulfs you, and you wish that instead of going out, you stayed and just did your [[snake crocheting]]for a few hours.\n[[YOU ARE DEAD|what is this place?]]

He stares at you. "You think you can make up for my beloved's death, as if it's some common trinket."

You don't want to go back there just yet, with the clamor and the vaguely [[fishy]] smell that coats the streets.\n[[Look around]]

Well, you've fucked everything up, so now I'm just going to leave. Turning off the signal in 3... 2... 1... 0-\n\n\n\n\nEND TRANSMISSION

Anonymous

. You are a japanese businessman in a video game. You see a pit full of spikes. What do you do?\n\n[[jump into the spikes|END]]\n\n

You start to pet his left head, but as you do, both his heads start yawning simultaneously, and you end up keeping your hands to yourself, not wanting to disturb Rover's moment.