IT IS THE YEAR 88 ATA [After Teen Apocalypse] AND PIERCE RULES ALL THE LANDS

Responsible Adults have finally gained control of the Earth Command Central after the recent Great Delinquent Uprising of '85, but are still cleaning up the structural damage caused by thousands of cans of sprayable cheese. Every day law-abiding Adults must be still cautious for roaming mystic graffiti runes- last week Prime Super Ruler Tom was sucked into a swirlie vortex, and has not been seen since! Thankfully their born-40-years-old child Bom has taken over the role of Prime Super Ruler. Most is well and content in these days, however, as the Teen Scourge (really, just a tad annoying usually, but whatever) has been eradicated once and for all... or has it?

[It actually hasn't, which is the main conflict in Captain Teen: Searching For The Superfluous Gusher Of Youngin'. Sorry for ruining any suspense there. EDIT: Also I just found out that 'superfluous' does not refer to a powerful flow of water, sorry again for the mistake.]

According to RRRRR (Recent RadaR RepoRts), Hangout Zones around the big city (during the industrial revolution, 45-56 ATA, the entire planet became covered by a single totally connected city) have been subtly invaded, on sound-dampening skateboards, by Wild Delinquents! It was previously believed that none could cross the slurpee minefield surrounding all entrances between the city and the shopping malls, the locked in home of all reckless teens, but the RRRRR don't lie...

Only in such dire circumstances, as teens asexually clone themselves in a matter of minutes, after their diet of horror movies and nachos, and could quickly fill up the Hangout Zones and start spilling over into areas that public gives a flip about, Prime Super Ruler Hom (Bom just got caught by a wedgie booby trap, as is being rushed to the hospital) calls up their last resort... well actually their first resort, since they don't have any other things to resort too.... CAPTAIN TEEN!

Born -8 ATA, Captain Teen (AKA The Teen Of Captain, previous name redacted) was, for the start of their life, just like any average teen. Listening to annoying music parents are unable to comprehend, trashing the Trash Factory, crossing the wrong side of the hover-rail tracks, and so on. However, on the outbreak of the Teen Apocalypse, something amazing happened. They, at the exact second of the first spitball fired, tried to drink coca-cola, pepsi, dr. pepper AND liquified cheetos at once from four seperate cans, with four seperate straws! Coincidentally, at the same nanosecond they were hit with a cosmic ray that had bounced off of the Moon, originated from the planet X492-F293!

None of this actually did anything, but it was interesting. Twelve years later, the future Captain Teen fell into a wormhole while surfing some solar waves, and fending off some totally lame galactic police/fun suckers! What came out, however, was no longer a 19 year old who refused to like, grow up and stuff, but the polar opposite: a 20 year old who gave up trying to fight the inevitability of working behind a desk for the rest of their life!

This strange being, rare in 12 ATA after the destruction of Office Depot, and consequently all useless paper jobs, was instantly a rallying figure for all Responsible Adults (previously they had tried to join over things such as Scrabble and tea). Captain Teen, as they soon became named for their ability to still blend in inconspicuously with hip teens, was a powerful figure in stopwalling the constant fighting. By 20 ATA, almost all teens were forced into staying in super malls, where the automatic food and diaper machines kept them content. Due to their amazing abilities, Captain Teen has been cryogenically frozen, and revived when needed, over the past decades. And now... they are needed again!

*RING RING* goes the Teen Alert Phone next to Captain Teen's sleeping chamber. It activates the wake up process, and within an hour (after Captain Teen says "just 5 more minutes" a couple dozen times), they finally answer the annoying machine.

"Captain! We need! You!"

"What is going on, Gom?"

"Teens invading! Hangout zones! Flooded with candy wrappers! Help!"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Convert! The entitled pricks! Into upstanding! Citizens!"

"Easy enough... Why are you shouting so much, anyhow?"

"I caught! An! Annoying exclaming! Grafitti rune! In my throat!"

"Okay, whatever. I'm on my way out to the happenin' Teen Zones."

"Over and! Out!"

Captain Teen left the room, taking the most recently updated Guide To Teen Symbols with them as well as some horribly cold coffee. As they flipped through the pages, they realized how out of date information on teen language was. The current Guide was published in '83, two years before the last uprising! Captain Teen realizes they will have to quickly brush up on their skills with some newly created teens before attempting to go after the leaders.

CAN CAPTAIN TEEN SAVE THE CITY FROM THE NEW HORDE OF TEENAGERS? WILL CAPTAIN TEEN EVER FIND A CUP OF FRESH COFFEE? DO THESE QUESTIONS MATTER? IS ANYBODY GOING TO BOTHER READING ALL OF THIS?