Download The Last Eichhof
Longplay Video

In what is perhaps the least auspicious start to any game ever, this screenshot shows the entire first level. Spinning beer bottles come from the top of the screen, circle around the Alpha Helix logo, and are systematically destroyed in the time it takes to belt out a single verse from some random drinking song (which I was still able to sing a half-assed phonetic version of from memory). Then the stage ends.

The "shop" screen that shows up between levels, to allow you to upgrade your beer bottle with external weaponry. I always load up on dunkels, which shoot enemy-seeking bottle caps. Trust me -- buy the "I Want To Be Fast" option immediately. Extra lives ("Bonus Gutteres") are only $0.30, and I am not ashamed to credit-feed the hell out of that option. The background music here makes heavy use of slide whistles. (Later on, this screen is preceded by a "sell your weapons" screen which loops a bar from Pink Floyd's "Money".)

This shot from the first level doesn't look like much of a much, but it's at this point that the sound of a Swiss yodeller transitions smoothly into the sound of Goofy screaming, which transitions into a trumpet playing "Charge!" while an announcer says something in a language I don't understand. I think it's my favourite moment in the game.

Early on in the third stage, there is a delightful Space Invaders homage. Notice the different explosion graphics -- once you hit stage 3, all explosion sprites arbitrarily change to these ones. (All enemies use the same explosion graphics -- even the bosses -- though they generally trigger different sounds.)

This particular attack by the third-stage boss is accompanied by the sounds of vomiting.

The fourth stage, "No More Cocktails", is where things start to get really awesome. Do battle with Jack Daniel's! Watch Pac-Man eat an apple!

And I just can't leave out the beer stein-wielding Santa Clauses! When you destroy them, you hear the sound of a shotgun cocking and a dude going, "Woah."

The last level is called "The Day After", and it deals with getting through your workday with an enourmous hangover. As the toilets spew forth more spinning beer bottles, a particularly unpleasant vomit sound plays in the background. Those aspirin boxes are particularly nasty; if you don't dispatch them quickly, they open up and fire 10 shots directly at you, one pill at a time. Other notable enemies: Alka-Seltzer, glasses of water, the Windows and Mac logos, alarm clocks and mugs of coffee.

Also, the flying toaster minefield! Shooting a flying toaster releases an absurdly fast bullet aimed directly at you. As this is the only place in the game where shooting constantly is a disadvantage, it sneaks the hell up on you.

The final boss of the game?

YOUR BRAIN.

Unfortunately, while the audio cues triggered a lot of decade-old muscle memories, I was not able to apply the hair of the dog that bit me, and my brain prevailed.

I have failed small, independent breweries everywhere! OH NOSE.

In conclusion, download the hell out of this game.