IT IS THE YEAR 88 ATA [After Teen Apocalypse] AND CHAOS RULES ALL THE LANDS

Responsible Adults have finally gained control of the Earth Command Central after the recent Great Delinquent Uprising of '85, but are still cleaning up the structural damage caused by thousands of cans of sprayable cheese. Every day law-abiding Adults must be still be on a cautious look out for roaming "teen talk" runes. Last week Prime Super Ruler Tom was sucked into a skateboard park vortex, and has not been seen since! Thankfully their 40-years-old child Bom has taken over the role of Prime Super Ruler. Most is well and content in these days, however, as the Teen Scourge (really, just a tad annoying usually, but whatever) has been eradicated once and for all... or has it?

[It actually hasn't, which is the main conflict in Captain Teen: Battle Of The Ages. Sorry for ruining any suspense there.]

According to RRRRR (Recent RadaR RepoRts), Hangout Zones around the big city (during the industrial revolution, 45-56 ATA, the entire planet became covered by a single totally connected city) have been subtly invaded, on sound-dampening skateboards, by Wild Delinquents! It was previously believed that none could cross the slurpee minefield surrounding all entrances between the city and the shopping malls, the locked in home of all reckless teens, but the RRRRR don't lie...

Only in such dire circumstances, as teens are capable of cloning themselves instantly, because of their diet of horror movies and nachos, and could quickly fill up the Hangout Zones and start spilling over into areas that the public cares about, Prime Super Ruler Hom (Bom just got caught by a water-bucket-on-the-door trap, as is being rushed to the hospital) calls up their last resort... well actually their first resort, since they don't have any other things to resort too.... CAPTAIN TEEN!

Born -8 ATA, Captain Teen was, for the start of their life, just like any average teen. Listening to annoying music their parents were unable to comprehend, trashing the Trash Factory, playing video games instead of applying for retail jobs, and so on. However, on the outbreak of the Teen Apocalypse, something amazing happened. They, at the exact second of the first spitball fired, tried to drink coca-cola, pepsi, dr. pepper AND liquefied cheetos at once from four separate cans, with four separate straws! Coincidentally, at the same nanosecond they were hit with a cosmic ray that had bounced off of the Moon, originated from the planet X492-F293!

None of this actually did anything, but it was interesting. Twelve years later, the future Captain Teen fell into a wormhole while surfing some solar waves, and fending off some totally boring galactic police/fun suckers! What came out, however, was no longer a 19 year old who refused to like, grow up and stuff, but the polar opposite: a 20 year old who gave up trying to fight the inevitability of working behind a desk for the rest of their life!

This strange being, rare in 12 ATA after the destruction of Office Depot, and consequently all useless paper jobs, was instantly a rallying figure for all Responsible Adults (previously they had tried to join over things such as Scrabble and tea). Captain Teen, as they soon became named for their ability to still blend in inconspicuously with hip teens, was a powerful figure in stopping the constant fighting. By 20 ATA, almost all teens were forced into staying in super malls, where the automatic food machines and goth clothing stores kept them content. Due to their amazing abilities, Captain Teen has been cryogenically frozen, and revived when needed, over the past decades. And now... they are needed again!

*RING RING* goes the Teen Alert Phone next to Captain Teen's sleeping chamber. It activates the wake up process, and within an hour (after Captain Teen says "just 5 more minutes" a dozen times), they finally answer the annoying machine.

"Captain! We need! You!"

"What is going on, Gom?" [note: Hom was busy watching Jeopardy! and so retired from their position as ruler.]

"Teens invading! Hangout zones! Flooded with candy wrappers! Help!"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Convert! The entitled jerks! Into upstanding! Citizens!"

"Easy enough... Why are you shouting so much, anyhow?"

"I caught! An! Annoying exclamation! Teen talk rune! In my throat!"

"Okay, whatever. I'm on my way out to the happenin' Teen Zones."

"Over and! Out!"

Captain Teen left the room, taking the most recently updated Guide To Teen Talk Runes with them as well as some horribly cold coffee. As they flipped through the pages, they realized how out of date the information on teen language was. The current Guide was published in '83, two years before the last uprising! Captain Teen realizes they will have to quickly brush up on their skills with some newly created teens before attempting to go after the leaders.

CAN CAPTAIN TEEN SAVE THE CITY FROM THE NEW HORDE OF TEENAGERS? WILL CAPTAIN TEEN EVER FIND A CUP OF FRESH COFFEE? DO THESE QUESTIONS MATTER? IS ANYBODY GOING TO BOTHER READING ALL OF THIS?